save me from myself

it's predictable that life has some quirks that really just picks at your bones and angers you. it makes you apathetic and complacent.. it makes you complain about how life is unfair, annoying, and that some people are just out to get you.

and then, it's like God's sick and tired of your petty complaints and whining. so a couple of cancer patients wheel by you in their wheelchairs, reminding me that i'm still healthy, breathing, and have life. ...is it all a coincidence? or does God really really hear every thought and gets tired of it?

i know my problems and faults, and i embrace them. not too happily though, i might add. i'm not supposed to be distracted by the little everyday things of life. because then if i do, i lose sight of the bigger and greater things that are happening around me everyday.

i feel so many things at once right now.

sad. happy. angry. frustrated. clueless. confused. ecstatic. disappointed. excited. resignation. blessed. thankful. wonder.

i wish i could feel nothing.

seriously the most random ramble i've ever thought/felt/written

it's been a while since i dropped whatever i was doing, and opened up the bible. or..more like, opened up the homepage to biblegateway.com..lol. i've been meaning to read and meditate, but these days work excuses have been my main go-to for not reading the word. buuuut..here i am. at last. after many many dry, hungry-and-thirsty-for-the-word months.

...

I thought that I'd be okay being independent (somewhat minus my grandmother) and on my own, away from my comfort zone surrounded by friends and family. But it hasn't been so. There are things that I've always craved and wanted, but have come to feel amplified in the past several months. It bothers me that I used to think I was spiritually grounded and okay, and whenever I feel a period of 'low' coming, I blame it on my weakness as a human and Christian...which makes me wonder if I'm even a true Christian at all. It makes me redefine the meaning of 'christian'...does it match what i am? or do I match its definitions? Is it even fair to put 'christian' within the boundaries of a definition?

There's no such thing as a 'good' Christian. because since I'm a human being, it is thanks to the Original Sin wayyyy back to the fall of mankind, that i can't ever be 'good'. The only thing that matters is how true I am to God, myself, and those around me- how true i live according to God's words.

I don't know why all of a sudden, my faults and weaknesses seem magnified. Like..everything that's faulty and imperfect about me is slowly being shown up close and being examined in the light. like in my face. It's hard for me to sleep at night, prayer doesn't come easily, and it's hard for me to try opening the bible let alone set aside time. What's going on? What's happening? What am I doing here? Where am I? I mean, I know where I am physically and geographically...but, where am I??? Existentially? Alll these questions keep bouncing around in my head, refusing to let my mind rest.

More than that, I hate that I now know so much more about myself. I hate that I find all these dark things in little corners and crevices of my heart and soul..and makes me think in disgust, why am I such a wretched person? It bothers me that I want all the answers now. I want my future laid out before me, and I hate that I'm so impatient. God knows me better than I do, and His timing of course is always perfect. It's just that being impatient stinks. It's like a little kid wanting to get behind the wheel, but the parents (backed up by the law) saying no because they know that once he gets behind the wheel at such a young age, he'll crash it into the first thing he sees.


The only thing that puts me at ease is Paul's letter to the Corinthians. It's ok to be weak, ignorant, nothings of the world because by some miracle, God chooses them. People will always search for answers, but in the end will go around in endless circles because only God knows the answers. Ergo, problem solved for now.

my life if it were a song

this song knows me better than I know myself-


Feels like I've been here forever
Why can't You just intervene
Do you see the tears keep falling and I'm falling apart at the seams
But You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised me that You'd take care of me


So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way


Just have Your way
Just have Your way


When my friends and my family have left me
And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me that You take broken things and turn them into beautiful
Even if my dreams have died and even if I don't survive
I'll still worship You with all my life, my life


And I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
and I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way


Just have Your way
Just have Your way


I know You will
I won't forget
You love me
Have thou way


britt nicole // HAVE YOUR WAY