and 3.5 years later...

"Some people fail to integrate their lives around Christ because they lack spiritual passion and are unconvinced that obedience to him in all things is worthwhile. Like the people to whom Malachi addressed his prophetic oracle, they suffer from spiritual sloth and indifference. If we fail to hone a sense of divine calling in this world, we can slip into spiritual lethargy, boredom, despondency, and burnout." - Kenneth Boa in Conformed to His Image: Biblical and Practical Approaches to Spiritual Discipline

I'm reading this for class right now, and it answers clearly the questions about leadership that I had 3-4 years ago. Serving God is supposed to make you joyful. Note, I'm purposefully saying joyful and not happy because there's a significant difference between the two. So many of us dedicated so much of our study time (and grades for that matter) to serve God and His people in college... then only weeks into a new school year, we'd have people dropping like flies with excuses left and right. I wondered why people were so unhappy when they were doing things that were supposed to make them not so unhappy... and then years later, I read in my spiritual formation textbook the reason why this was happening.

"..we fail(ed) to hone a sense of divine calling in this world" which to our demise, led to "spiritual lethargy, boredom, despondency, and burnout." Our focus wasn't on God and his Kingdom, it was honed on us. We got angry if we planned for an event that no one showed up to. We got frustrated when leaders couldn't deal with personal issues that affected church events and responsibilities. We let our emotions get the best of us, instead of focusing on the deeper, inner joy that was supposed to satisfy because we were selfish.

It's easy to fall into that trap and say that we are 'obeying' God when we serve. I find that to be extremely deceptive. You don't obey God first by what you do; obeying God is first done by honing in that divine calling, which begins in the heart.

Psalm 37:11

I feel like this passage was written to encourage me specifically. David says the 'meek' will inherit the land and enjoy peace. Synonyms for 'meek' are also timid, submissive, docile, modest, etc. These are all words that I think pretty much sum me up, and it's a huge encouragement. All of these things that the world wouldn't look to highly upon are actually praised and encouraged in scripture. Be quiet and still, and wait for the Lord.

I feel as if the scripture is the only place that will encourage an introverted personality like mine. The world is all about boosting self-confidence, making others believe you are 1000% sure about yourself, and having to carry self in a high manner. I don't necessarily embrace let alone agree with those ideals. I think it's okay for someone to be meek because there is no telling who or what style of a person God will use. In the bible there are examples of God using murderers, prostitutes, and even evil kings to do his work. In comparison, my meek personality is barely a scratch to the surface.

God thank you for not just loving the powerful, successful, extraverts. Thank you for remembering those who are still quiet and shy. You have no favorites; you are the ultimate just and fair God. Help me not to be too self-critical. While at times it serves me, sometimes I feel that I cross the line and it borders around self-hate and pity. Help me to realize that my personality is also made in Your image. Help me to love and appreciate this body and mind that you've given to me, as it is also considered as a tool to carry out your kingdom work here on earth.

chaotic

Isaiah 3 

The first and the scariest that is mentioned is that God will take away food and water. It is a frightening thing because God is so angry that he’s going to take away their sustenance, which without them they will starve, so already they are on their road to death. There will be conflict within households and communities, and children will end up governing. Because people have been governing and ruling with oppression, God is going take his rightful place in court to judge everyone accordingly. Then he turns to the women and their vanity. He will take away everything that makes them proud (e.g. perfume, clothes, etc) and replace them with “baldness” and “stench”. The whole nation becomes chaotic with systems falling apart, people turning against each other, and eventually crumbling within.

 The first thing I thought of while reading this was chaos. How chaotic a society has (will) become when its people, from the officials to everyday citizens, refuse to follow God. I can feel God slowly withdrawing his spirit from these people, and start to fear that this is exactly what will probably happen to us. My challenge to myself is how to live as a salt and light figure among all of this. How can I love those who question and spit on the very God who created them?

 Lord thank you that even thought you knew we would choose evil, you still gave us power and authority to govern on earth. In the midst of all the wickedness that’s happening in our society, it’s becoming more and more clear just how good you are and how weak and destitute we are. Thank you for revealing that to me this morning. God I pray for this nation. We are becoming more and more evil each day, and children are coming to governing power. People who refuse to know you, listen to you, or even acknowledge your existence are the ones starting to control how we should walk and talk in this ‘free country’. I pray for my heart that you would be the supreme ruler of it, and that I would not fall prey to their teachings. Keep me grounded in your word.

materialism, idolatry. tomato, tomahto.

Isaiah 2

 This chapter goes more in depth what will happen towards the last days. Isaiah emphasizes how all the things man built and put his pride upon will come to mean nothing. All of the idols that have been accumulated and worshiped will all disappear, and only God will be lifted up. People will run and hide from God’s splendor and wrath, while the proud men will be “brought low”. Verses 12-18 mentions the things that are considered high and majestic when seen through our eyes, but none match to the glory of God. 

Despite all the evil that’s happening on earth, God your righteousness will still prevail. So many people refuse to open their eyes and see the truth that’s in front of them. Thank you that you've opened my eyes to your truth. Thank you for enabling me to see a minuscule glimpse of what you are probably seeing.

 God you know my struggles with materialism. There are those people around me who are so immersed in their things, I can't help but follow suit. Help me not to want more things, but instead a deeper relationship with you. Help me then to minister to others about the poison they are spreading around in their hearts.

 I admit that I partly want a job so that I can buy more things. Even though I know that the more I have, the emptier I feel, but that still does not deter my attention from online shopping sites. It’s not that I have an unhealthy compulsion or have been accumulating debt from endless shopping; it’s nowhere near that. But I feel that pull towards that temptation in my heart every so often, especially when it’s late at night and I’m mindlessly clicking around on the internet. Verse 8 talks about a society that’s lost in materialism, which is virtually a form of idolatry. That’s our society today. I can’t check my email without seeing an advertisement of some sort, telling me of a 50% discount on a pair of boots. “How do I make myself not want” is a meaningless wonderment, because trying to make something right cannot be done on my own willpower but only with the help of God. At some point, I need to let go of trying to control myself (even if it’s for good) and let God take the reins.

return home

I'm baaaack! From both Korea and away from my precious blog. I returned a couple days ago, and it has been absolute b l i s s . I missed my family so much, and we had a new addition to the family- a maltese pup, Landon! actually, here he is

He's been super adorable and loyal, even right now he's laying in a giant cushion that's sort of enveloping his tiny body by my feet as I'm typing. It's a brand new feeling of happiness, contentment, home that I've never felt before. It's nice!

So anyway, I read back on some of my older posts..and it's funny to see how young I was even a year ago! It's all about me me me and how this is hard, that's hard, etc etc etc... My new goal is to surround everything around God and trying to see the bigger picture of what He's doing instead of what I'm feeling. Changing the 'I' to 'He'. =)

24 and everything

So... I turned 24 years old today. Korean age, I turned 25~26, but I like my western age. :p

I don't feel like my age. I wonder at what age we actually feel our age...In many ways I'm young, but in just as many ways, I'm still really young. I'm now at the age when my life starts it feels like. I can feel myself being turned and moved and molded each day. God is teaching me so many things every day, mostly things that I've learned before but He reminds me through little things, and other times He teaches me completely new things. Like ideas sometimes just hit me as I walk to/from work, when I'm in the shower, or in bed trying to sleep. I feel so lucky.

God, thank you for another year of this life in this body. And thank you for giving me another new year to experience the many things you have planned for me. Thank you for loving me so much even though I may disappoint, anger, or sadden you. You love me so much and I love you so much. I feel you by my side everyday. Even when I feel lonely or angry or frustrated, I still know you're there. I pray you don't ever leave me and you keep molding me to become the person that You had in mind as you created me. 

update dos of 2 0 1 3

How does one keep oneself in check to make sure their eyes are focused heavenward and nowhere else? It sometimes feels like i'm exerting physical strength to veer myself and my thoughts back to God when i start wandering.

I know my relationship with God is looking soooooooo good right now. (insert sarcasm) I can't remember the last time i stepped foot inside church, and it's all voluntary. I'm choosing not to go, I'm choosing to do other things on sundays to keep my mind occupied. I miss everything and the way it used to be before I had to grow up and start taking responsibility. My parents were always there to say, let's go to church! or, my youth group duties dragged me out of bed each morning. It's quite funny how those obligations actually were shaping me and my character..but now that everything's not quite as black and white, the gray is all muddy and confusing. like this rant.

But at the end of my frustrating day and whirlwind of mind, i know it's God who loves me and who takes care of me. Not myself, not my friends, not my co-workers, not even my family. God gave me them to do so, but it's all Him. and after i write this sentence, i'm going to lie my little head on that pillow, and rest assured knowing that even if I have a hard time articulating my thoughts, Jesus knows my thoughts.

This new years was the first time I felt really lonely in a long time. I had gotten so used to being surrounded by a comfortable (and godly) group of people but this time wasn't so much. I felt so foreign spending it in such a way that I'd never before: at the bars with drinks in both hands, asian glow flushing my cheeks and chest, and a boozy slur that I'd become all too familiar with. It was my first new years eve that I didn't spend it in a church, holding a candle and reflecting and thanking and meditating about God and my relationship. I missed God yesterday. I missed my mom and dad. I missed my younger siblings. I missed my friends, and I missed church. I think this is one year that a lotttttttt a lot a lot a lot of my flaws are going to be shone in the light.