I had a dream last night that something like an apocalypse was happening that was forcing everyone to migrate..and my family was packing only the essentials hurrying to leave. and yet, all i was worried about were my clothes and pens. and then i woke up kind of panicking because i don't want some life-changing event to occur and instead of concerning over my soul, all i'm worrying about is earthly things. what if Jesus comes tomorrow, and i become like that rich man who didn't want to leave his money and house behind to follow Jesus? i wanna know that i'll be mature enough to leave all material things behind in order to pursue an everlasting and eternal life with God.

It's like I want to worry just for the sake of receiving empathy and prayers from other people...but this time is different. I feel God actually pushing me and nudging my heart in the direction that's the opposite of worry and despair. He's saying that everything will be okay, because He's really going to look out for us. I can feel his hand, and this gentle wind of peace that's comforting my restless soul.

It's such an amazing and supernatural feeling..I wish that you could feel it too.

when's it ever enough?

Every once in a while, I'll be in my little pensive-reflective moods when I just delve myself into my life. Seriously, I just sit here and let my eyes and mind wander as I think about how big and real God is in my life. Almost 8 months of being here, and I'm still awestruck - am I really in Korea? teaching? With a job right out of college? It's in those times that I realize that I'm not a religious person..I'm a person who believes that she's a child of God who always has her back.

And then of course, soon after my philosophical moments, I fall back (and deeper each time) into my worldly-worthless-emo moods..when I just start sulking about everything that I don't have. See what I just did there? First I'm happy, and then I'm ridiculously self-pitying.

Why can't I just be happy and thankful with what I've got? Why do I always want and think that I need more? Shouldn't I be past the point where I'm looking at others carry on with their own lives, going their different paths, and still feel a twinge of jealousy?

I don't want what others have that I don't have. I don't want to believe that I'm being left behind. I want to believe and convince myself that my story doesn't end like this, that he'll continue to fulfill the deepest desires of my heart. I don't want to be jealous of what God's given to them because I know that in due time the things that I need and what I'm meant to have will be mine. God takes away, but he also gives.

These days, I can physically feel the weakness of my human heart just groaning to accept more of God's love. He pours in and in and in until I'm completely full...and then he empties it the next moment. But only to pour it back up again.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18

it bothers me that i rarely have anything interesting to say...lol, anyway.

Sundays are both a joy and a dread for me. I love waking up early and having something to do (aka. go teach sunday school) but it's so tiring for the regular worship service. I constantly battle with sleep, which is probably one of the frustrating things everr. bbbbut, regardless I love that I have something more to do on Sundays instead of just going to church. It reminds me of my high school days when I was so involved and active at church..it's a rush of old and new memories.

I was browsing through some of my old friends' xangas...and I really regret deleting mine. Even when I was actively on xanga and stuff, I'd always wonder how weird it would be to look back on 7-8 years of your life that you still remember...i dunno. I think i'm just feeling sentimental right now, :p

aaaaand 'tis another work day tomorrow. I love my job. I love all my students (98% of the time). and I love that I'm so busy. I just wish that I was good at keeping in touch with people back home. Things, new and great, are happening to people back home. And while i'm happy for them all (really, I am) I can't help but feel the slow sinking feeling that I'm being left behind. Which sounds totally funny, right? Bcus I'm over here living my life doing my own thing, and yet I'm worried about being left behind while other people do their own thing. It's almost like a flaw in my neural makeup of my brain...hahaha.

Bedtime. or, soon anyway.

:)

save me from myself

it's predictable that life has some quirks that really just picks at your bones and angers you. it makes you apathetic and complacent.. it makes you complain about how life is unfair, annoying, and that some people are just out to get you.

and then, it's like God's sick and tired of your petty complaints and whining. so a couple of cancer patients wheel by you in their wheelchairs, reminding me that i'm still healthy, breathing, and have life. ...is it all a coincidence? or does God really really hear every thought and gets tired of it?

i know my problems and faults, and i embrace them. not too happily though, i might add. i'm not supposed to be distracted by the little everyday things of life. because then if i do, i lose sight of the bigger and greater things that are happening around me everyday.

i feel so many things at once right now.

sad. happy. angry. frustrated. clueless. confused. ecstatic. disappointed. excited. resignation. blessed. thankful. wonder.

i wish i could feel nothing.

seriously the most random ramble i've ever thought/felt/written

it's been a while since i dropped whatever i was doing, and opened up the bible. or..more like, opened up the homepage to biblegateway.com..lol. i've been meaning to read and meditate, but these days work excuses have been my main go-to for not reading the word. buuuut..here i am. at last. after many many dry, hungry-and-thirsty-for-the-word months.

...

I thought that I'd be okay being independent (somewhat minus my grandmother) and on my own, away from my comfort zone surrounded by friends and family. But it hasn't been so. There are things that I've always craved and wanted, but have come to feel amplified in the past several months. It bothers me that I used to think I was spiritually grounded and okay, and whenever I feel a period of 'low' coming, I blame it on my weakness as a human and Christian...which makes me wonder if I'm even a true Christian at all. It makes me redefine the meaning of 'christian'...does it match what i am? or do I match its definitions? Is it even fair to put 'christian' within the boundaries of a definition?

There's no such thing as a 'good' Christian. because since I'm a human being, it is thanks to the Original Sin wayyyy back to the fall of mankind, that i can't ever be 'good'. The only thing that matters is how true I am to God, myself, and those around me- how true i live according to God's words.

I don't know why all of a sudden, my faults and weaknesses seem magnified. Like..everything that's faulty and imperfect about me is slowly being shown up close and being examined in the light. like in my face. It's hard for me to sleep at night, prayer doesn't come easily, and it's hard for me to try opening the bible let alone set aside time. What's going on? What's happening? What am I doing here? Where am I? I mean, I know where I am physically and geographically...but, where am I??? Existentially? Alll these questions keep bouncing around in my head, refusing to let my mind rest.

More than that, I hate that I now know so much more about myself. I hate that I find all these dark things in little corners and crevices of my heart and soul..and makes me think in disgust, why am I such a wretched person? It bothers me that I want all the answers now. I want my future laid out before me, and I hate that I'm so impatient. God knows me better than I do, and His timing of course is always perfect. It's just that being impatient stinks. It's like a little kid wanting to get behind the wheel, but the parents (backed up by the law) saying no because they know that once he gets behind the wheel at such a young age, he'll crash it into the first thing he sees.


The only thing that puts me at ease is Paul's letter to the Corinthians. It's ok to be weak, ignorant, nothings of the world because by some miracle, God chooses them. People will always search for answers, but in the end will go around in endless circles because only God knows the answers. Ergo, problem solved for now.

my life if it were a song

this song knows me better than I know myself-


Feels like I've been here forever
Why can't You just intervene
Do you see the tears keep falling and I'm falling apart at the seams
But You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised me that You'd take care of me


So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way


Just have Your way
Just have Your way


When my friends and my family have left me
And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me that You take broken things and turn them into beautiful
Even if my dreams have died and even if I don't survive
I'll still worship You with all my life, my life


And I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
and I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way


Just have Your way
Just have Your way


I know You will
I won't forget
You love me
Have thou way


britt nicole // HAVE YOUR WAY

what a strange day.

Alas.....it's an hour and 45 minutes since I've been 23 years old (24-25 in korean or lunar calendar -__-) and there's so much that I'm feeling/felt/happened. All these questions that I've been rolling around with and playing with in my head for so long are still there...but some are slowly being answered and figured out.

Ah, my head and thoughts are all in a mumble-jumble, so I hope that you, or whoever might be reading this, would humor me and follow along.

One of my 'resolutions' for the new 2012 year //// my birthday was to truly love other people- especially those who are around me. Everyone deals with the different kinds of people walking in and out of your life, and so do our relationships. Some happen to think it a waste of time trying to make good relationships and memories with those who may not even stay in your life for a long, significant amount of time....but I just happen to think otherwise.

My biggest struggle was being fair-minded, or i guess the better term would be open-minded; to others around me. Then one of the new year's first sermons I heard was about loving others like your brother and sister. Like your own kin. That's hard to do. If you sit down, apply your mind, and really think about what that's saying, it's really hard. I can't even begin to count how many times I hated/wanted to hate my own family. But with that said, ties stronger than blood and genetics pulls at the deeper parts of your soul, and thus; love overcomes that feeling of hatred and frustration. That's the kind of love you feel with a family. But Jesus wants us to love those around us as though we are loving our own kin.

I'm starting to feel the little bits and pieces of the kind of love that we are to show our own kin. The friends that God has placed in my life so recently have been becoming such a huge part of my life. The annoyances, little quirks of each person's personality shows and sure, sometimes even bothers/frustrates us; but, isn't it that our imperfections are what makes us human and thus more lovely? I'm amazed to find that I sometimes find myself shrugging little things off my shoulders that would have dragged me down to keep grudges in the past. It's becoming easier to love those people God placed around me; despite our differences in personality, opinions, ethics, even views on God.

***
Honestly, today wasn't the best birthday i've had. not even that, it just wasn't a good day.
I missed being at home, celebrating my birthday with my sister and close friends...i missed AMERICA......

So the lunch with all the teachers started off bad because we got lost and tempers and angers were running pretty high....the food wasn't that great.. my students were being particularly hyper today..I was running in and out of the bathroom because I was pretty sure I had food poisoning, and sure enough- during my korean class, the teacher had to end early because I was starting to turn redder than a beet. So..the boss runs me to the emergency room...get some IVs and shots and some drugs in me, come home early from work... sleep..and then have the door pounded down by my lovely girls so that they can at least let me have a proper birthday cake, despite my being sick and a downpour on their birthday plans for me.

So, all in all, today kind of...sucked?
But that last couple hours, especially after reading the card made me smile and helped me see the brighter side of all things.

The equations of life are messy and hard to figure out, and sure..most of the times we just wanna throw our hands up in the air in resignation. Someone smarter can do it better than I can. But then, after all the messy variables, come the equal sign. The lovely, simple, two straight-lined equal sign. Or, in some cases in the figure of 2 randomly placed people in my life, plus a freaking amazing, loving God.

Life's so beautiful and crazy and ironic. There's good and bad things happening together, because good can't exist without the bad. Just as light can't exist without darkness. The challenge of the century though, is are you going to count your unfortunate-incidents? Or your blessings?

trip down memory lane

I was just flipping through some old posts, and I came across a month's worth of posts- all written when I was going through something particularly difficult. In the midst of all that make-you-want-to-cringe feelings all over again, I can remember one memory that is still heartwarming.

My friends were driving me home, but once I started crying they drove me back to their place to spend the night there. They tucked me in, literally I think haha, but before going to bed another friend came into the room. It was already pretty late, but we just ended up talking for hours. He knew I was tired too because my eyes were drooping all the way down to my chin...but he didn't stop talking for some reason. He just sat on a reclining chair across from me, and we just... talked. I actually remember being peeved because I needed to get at least an hour of sleep before driving to south bend the next day, but thinking back on it makes me think otherwise.

I was so lucky. I still am, but particularly back then I was so blessed. My friends didn't wanna leave me alone because of the hurt I was going through. Him comforting me by not letting me sleep was, in a way, helpful. I was getting the comfort from a friend that I so desperately needed.


So why am I posting this at 2AM in the morning of my 23rd birthday?
I think I just really really really really really really really miss my friends.
Particularly these 3.

n.ew

i pray, in 2012, that even if i can't teach much English to my students, they'll learn at least one thing from me-

that i love them and care for them.
i think that's all i can expect from myself as a teacher.


Happy New Year! :)