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14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

-- Matthew 6: 14-15

yesterday during prayer meeting, a few of us were talking about Pigs & Pearls and i saw this verse. i felt like a huge weight was just pressing down on my heart once i read it, absorbed it, and realized it. the first thing i felt was, yup- this is ME.

how can i expect/ask God to love me and repeatedly forgive me for the sins i commit day to day, when i can't even do that? it's not that someone's sinned against me and i'm having a hard time forgiving..i'm just having a hard time loving. loving it so hard. honestly there are very few people i love enough in this world that i would jump in front of a bullet for them. but God loved us, he loved us enough to send his one&only Son to die on the cross for us. for ME! and here i am, stressing because of my own personal issues. stupid, dumb, useless issues. what have i done that is so great, that puts me on top??

hopefully, this isn't what the scripture is actually saying, but i felt like it was saying that God won't love me until i love back. and not loving God, because i have that part down. it's loving other people that's got me stumped. but if i'm having such a hard time with the latter part, then do i really love God? how do i learn to not love selectively. that is the real question.