struggle within a struggle

once again, this feeling of emptiness and hollowness has come over me.
i'm slowly getting over the stage of overly thankfulness...
and the truths and realities of life has come knocking on my front door.
this makes me sad. all i can do now is just sigh and try to search for what's missing.

of course, that mission's pretty futile as i already know why i'm feeling like this.

i'm really sick of it all though. i wish that i was mentally and spiritually mature and able enough to be at the point where i don't have to worry about my own spiritual well being like this.. i want to feel challenged and tested in other ways.. i'm sick of living in my safe little bubble. i want to be out there, brave enough to share the gospel.

i mean, maybe not as like a door-to-door-hard-core-bible-thumping evangelizer, but still be able to sit down with someone, and discuss our beliefs over a nice cup of coffee, or hell, even beer. i want that spiritual struggle..that constant push and pull over the differences in our thinking....

instead, i fall deeper into comfort and easiness of just taking everything as it is.

i'm letting people consider me as someone who is open-minded, and accepting of all beliefs and customs.
i'm totally not, though. which all the more makes me a hypocrite, a 2-face. but i do this in hopes of being accepted and liked by whoever and everyone i meet.

but you know what?

i'm glad this life isn't easy. if it was easy, there would be nothing worth living for. this constant question that bounces off in my head and my heart, would never have to be answered. sure, i know the textbook answer- Jesus Christ. but now that i've a college degree and am a working, independent woman, i think it might be time to search a little bit deeper... do a little more analyzing here and there while stepping in some mud puddles along the way.