when's it ever enough?

Every once in a while, I'll be in my little pensive-reflective moods when I just delve myself into my life. Seriously, I just sit here and let my eyes and mind wander as I think about how big and real God is in my life. Almost 8 months of being here, and I'm still awestruck - am I really in Korea? teaching? With a job right out of college? It's in those times that I realize that I'm not a religious person..I'm a person who believes that she's a child of God who always has her back.

And then of course, soon after my philosophical moments, I fall back (and deeper each time) into my worldly-worthless-emo moods..when I just start sulking about everything that I don't have. See what I just did there? First I'm happy, and then I'm ridiculously self-pitying.

Why can't I just be happy and thankful with what I've got? Why do I always want and think that I need more? Shouldn't I be past the point where I'm looking at others carry on with their own lives, going their different paths, and still feel a twinge of jealousy?

I don't want what others have that I don't have. I don't want to believe that I'm being left behind. I want to believe and convince myself that my story doesn't end like this, that he'll continue to fulfill the deepest desires of my heart. I don't want to be jealous of what God's given to them because I know that in due time the things that I need and what I'm meant to have will be mine. God takes away, but he also gives.

These days, I can physically feel the weakness of my human heart just groaning to accept more of God's love. He pours in and in and in until I'm completely full...and then he empties it the next moment. But only to pour it back up again.