I got jolted awake this morning at 4:30 after having gone to sleep only 4 hours prior. This was different than just being unable to fall asleep... so i guess i can technically say I "got some sleep". I've been wrestling for what seems like forever now with obedience.
A friend said to me last night that maybe God's waiting for you to change your heart towards this season of obedience, and that's why there's no release from this internal tension I constantly feel. And as I sat with those words, unsettled, i couldn't help but recognize the validity of that statement.
Yes, you can obey without wanting to and still be obedient. But it seems God wants a little bit more. He wants more than just my actions, more than the shell of my heart. He wants what's inside, the raw part of it that bleeds and beats.
What the hell do you want from me, how else do you want me serve you? Isn't what I'm already doing enough???
And as i internally screamed those words in tears this morning, i already felt Him wanting to reclaim that once-held-spot as the primary object of my desire.
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