His seeds

22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. 23 for you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.

-- 1 Peter 1:22-23

i find myself often hating. sometimes, i'm so consumed by hate, it eats me alive. Peter tells us that we have been reborn through Christ. we first was born into sin, but through the blood of Jesus, we were born again and this time in the word and love of God, making us new.

someone told me to picture it this way- before we knew Christ, our heartbeats were dead..just a flatline. but after salvation, our hearts start beating again. like we wake up from a deep coma, but only this coma is what we started out from.

so now that i am reborn in Christ, i have to love like He does. but a lot of times, i can't do that! i just find myself hating, and i hate hating. it's so tiring, mentally and spiritually and emotionally draining, and most of the time, those people don't even know it. they have no idea that i have this consuming, firing hate for them, and they haven't even done anything. personally to me.

i hate that i hate. i wish i could love. Jesus loves me, and so why can't I? a farmer plants a seed expecting it to grow a certain way. my dad used to plant his own garden, and he'd plant various vegetables... when he plants a tomato seed, he expects to see a tomato the next season. God planted me as his seed expecting me to grow up to love and live like His son. but i am such a bad tomato. i'm rotten, all moldy and yucky, only good enough for the little animals to feed off of.

i don't wanna be a bad tomato. i wanna be a good ripe, red tomato. i pray and pray continually that God would soften my heart, but my pride sometimes stops me even in the midst of prayer! wow Satan. great move. He's just creeping in through the backdoor like always.

1 Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 2 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

-- 1 Peter 2: 1-3

i wonder how many times i used the word 'hate' in this blog.

i don't really wanna know.