I had a dream last night that something like an apocalypse was happening that was forcing everyone to migrate..and my family was packing only the essentials hurrying to leave. and yet, all i was worried about were my clothes and pens. and then i woke up kind of panicking because i don't want some life-changing event to occur and instead of concerning over my soul, all i'm worrying about is earthly things. what if Jesus comes tomorrow, and i become like that rich man who didn't want to leave his money and house behind to follow Jesus? i wanna know that i'll be mature enough to leave all material things behind in order to pursue an everlasting and eternal life with God.

It's like I want to worry just for the sake of receiving empathy and prayers from other people...but this time is different. I feel God actually pushing me and nudging my heart in the direction that's the opposite of worry and despair. He's saying that everything will be okay, because He's really going to look out for us. I can feel his hand, and this gentle wind of peace that's comforting my restless soul.

It's such an amazing and supernatural feeling..I wish that you could feel it too.

when's it ever enough?

Every once in a while, I'll be in my little pensive-reflective moods when I just delve myself into my life. Seriously, I just sit here and let my eyes and mind wander as I think about how big and real God is in my life. Almost 8 months of being here, and I'm still awestruck - am I really in Korea? teaching? With a job right out of college? It's in those times that I realize that I'm not a religious person..I'm a person who believes that she's a child of God who always has her back.

And then of course, soon after my philosophical moments, I fall back (and deeper each time) into my worldly-worthless-emo moods..when I just start sulking about everything that I don't have. See what I just did there? First I'm happy, and then I'm ridiculously self-pitying.

Why can't I just be happy and thankful with what I've got? Why do I always want and think that I need more? Shouldn't I be past the point where I'm looking at others carry on with their own lives, going their different paths, and still feel a twinge of jealousy?

I don't want what others have that I don't have. I don't want to believe that I'm being left behind. I want to believe and convince myself that my story doesn't end like this, that he'll continue to fulfill the deepest desires of my heart. I don't want to be jealous of what God's given to them because I know that in due time the things that I need and what I'm meant to have will be mine. God takes away, but he also gives.

These days, I can physically feel the weakness of my human heart just groaning to accept more of God's love. He pours in and in and in until I'm completely full...and then he empties it the next moment. But only to pour it back up again.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18