I am His Masterpiece.

Years it's been since my 4-month-long "incident" with those "supplements", and yet still I find myself to be craving them. Every day, every hour, almost each moment I am conscious about my body and how my image looks to others. Even when I'm alone, i'm tugging at my t-shirt so that it won't fold between my "extra skin".

To some it may just seem like old habits as i absentmindedly tug at my clothes or fix my posture, and to others it just may seem like i value well-grooming. Both are true... but also some other not-so-pleasant stuff. 

It's that constant desire to be pleasing to the eye. 

Sure, it's good to desire that from heavenly standards, but mine are more worldly. When did i become so obsessed with physical beauty? When did i value the exterior more than my interior, my health? When did an empty shell become a priority against my character, my soul? The substance that actually matters? 

Then randomly, i heard a whisper so faint that i still can't tell whether or not it was in my head or if it was an actual whisper that came through my ears and through my temporal lobes; and that was David's Psalm:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

God's character goes into every person that He created, whether deemed perfect or imperfect by society. When I feel worthless and ugly and un-valued, it's important- no, necessary to harness that thought back to God and remember all that He is. In the end it doesn't matter what the world says is beautiful and ugly; beauty trends go in and out every 10 years! How fickle it is for us to be obsessed over something that is more temporary than each breath.

I don't think my insecurities will ever go away, because that is part of the chains that I am tied to for living in this flesh. But each day can be better and my thoughts less occupied by these because I am His creation. I have parts of God in me that may not be in anyone else. He tailored us specifically to be unique and individual, possessing some qualities of Him that He chose not to put in anyone else. And yet we are all united because we each have God's Spirit within us.

I am more than this month's beauty trend, not because I wear this not that, or because I hide flaws with makeup,... but because the Holy Spirit resides inside me.


I am His Masterpiece because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

anger is the gateway for the enemy

Every. Single. Time.

That I am tired, exhausted, FRUSTRATED from the lack of motivation from work+school+life, I get angry. It is my natural emotion to the things that I cannot control in my life, for the most part.

I'm still trying to figure out how much of this new 'job' is my choice. Did I choose it? I know my own choices did not lead me down here, but after that involuntary choice, I did decide to stay. It is anytime that I have to prepare for Sundays, that the enemy sneaks in and I get angry. Angry, angry, angry.

But still, begrudgingly I open up that sacred book that I have come to hate+love... flip mindlessly through the gospel of John because that is the sermon topic of the month, and stop at John 7. Jesus' brothers ridicule him.

"Therefore Jesus told them, 'My time is not yet here; for you any time will do. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify that its works are evil. You go to the festival. I am not going up to this festival, because my time has not yet fully come.' After he had said this, he stayed in Galilee. However, after his brothers had left for the festival, he went also, not publicly, but in secret." - John 7:1-10

The commentary for this part asked this: if Jesus came with the greatest gift of preaching and spreading God's word, why did he do it in secret? Why did he let the fact that he would get in trouble keep preaching in secret?  -- Led me to think of those Christian martyrs, how they died, burned at the stake for publicly proclaiming their faith in Christ, and then Christ himself to go quietly?

It makes me further think about the time I'm living and working in now. I live in an era where although there is still so much 'persecution' of Christians it is still legal for me to teach the Word.

The gift of the Word is life. It is truth. It is the way.

It is a gift, a privilege for being able to spread it with others. To share with young people, who are the passion of my life and being. Then I come back full circle to how I was feeling right before I opened up.... all the anger I felt, the resentment at my parents for making me take this job... the frustration at my boss (not church) for being so difficult to work with... the lack of control I feel at my own life... all these negative things I feel come to a halt because I have a voice. I'm able to speak and have those words be listened to.

'Many people today have the privilege of teaching, preaching, and worshiping publicly with little persecution. These believers should be grateful and make the most of their opportunities to proclaim the gospel.' 

and 3.5 years later...

"Some people fail to integrate their lives around Christ because they lack spiritual passion and are unconvinced that obedience to him in all things is worthwhile. Like the people to whom Malachi addressed his prophetic oracle, they suffer from spiritual sloth and indifference. If we fail to hone a sense of divine calling in this world, we can slip into spiritual lethargy, boredom, despondency, and burnout." - Kenneth Boa in Conformed to His Image: Biblical and Practical Approaches to Spiritual Discipline

I'm reading this for class right now, and it answers clearly the questions about leadership that I had 3-4 years ago. Serving God is supposed to make you joyful. Note, I'm purposefully saying joyful and not happy because there's a significant difference between the two. So many of us dedicated so much of our study time (and grades for that matter) to serve God and His people in college... then only weeks into a new school year, we'd have people dropping like flies with excuses left and right. I wondered why people were so unhappy when they were doing things that were supposed to make them not so unhappy... and then years later, I read in my spiritual formation textbook the reason why this was happening.

"..we fail(ed) to hone a sense of divine calling in this world" which to our demise, led to "spiritual lethargy, boredom, despondency, and burnout." Our focus wasn't on God and his Kingdom, it was honed on us. We got angry if we planned for an event that no one showed up to. We got frustrated when leaders couldn't deal with personal issues that affected church events and responsibilities. We let our emotions get the best of us, instead of focusing on the deeper, inner joy that was supposed to satisfy because we were selfish.

It's easy to fall into that trap and say that we are 'obeying' God when we serve. I find that to be extremely deceptive. You don't obey God first by what you do; obeying God is first done by honing in that divine calling, which begins in the heart.

Psalm 37:11

I feel like this passage was written to encourage me specifically. David says the 'meek' will inherit the land and enjoy peace. Synonyms for 'meek' are also timid, submissive, docile, modest, etc. These are all words that I think pretty much sum me up, and it's a huge encouragement. All of these things that the world wouldn't look to highly upon are actually praised and encouraged in scripture. Be quiet and still, and wait for the Lord.

I feel as if the scripture is the only place that will encourage an introverted personality like mine. The world is all about boosting self-confidence, making others believe you are 1000% sure about yourself, and having to carry self in a high manner. I don't necessarily embrace let alone agree with those ideals. I think it's okay for someone to be meek because there is no telling who or what style of a person God will use. In the bible there are examples of God using murderers, prostitutes, and even evil kings to do his work. In comparison, my meek personality is barely a scratch to the surface.

God thank you for not just loving the powerful, successful, extraverts. Thank you for remembering those who are still quiet and shy. You have no favorites; you are the ultimate just and fair God. Help me not to be too self-critical. While at times it serves me, sometimes I feel that I cross the line and it borders around self-hate and pity. Help me to realize that my personality is also made in Your image. Help me to love and appreciate this body and mind that you've given to me, as it is also considered as a tool to carry out your kingdom work here on earth.