24 and everything

So... I turned 24 years old today. Korean age, I turned 25~26, but I like my western age. :p

I don't feel like my age. I wonder at what age we actually feel our age...In many ways I'm young, but in just as many ways, I'm still really young. I'm now at the age when my life starts it feels like. I can feel myself being turned and moved and molded each day. God is teaching me so many things every day, mostly things that I've learned before but He reminds me through little things, and other times He teaches me completely new things. Like ideas sometimes just hit me as I walk to/from work, when I'm in the shower, or in bed trying to sleep. I feel so lucky.

God, thank you for another year of this life in this body. And thank you for giving me another new year to experience the many things you have planned for me. Thank you for loving me so much even though I may disappoint, anger, or sadden you. You love me so much and I love you so much. I feel you by my side everyday. Even when I feel lonely or angry or frustrated, I still know you're there. I pray you don't ever leave me and you keep molding me to become the person that You had in mind as you created me. 

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How does one keep oneself in check to make sure their eyes are focused heavenward and nowhere else? It sometimes feels like i'm exerting physical strength to veer myself and my thoughts back to God when i start wandering.

I know my relationship with God is looking soooooooo good right now. (insert sarcasm) I can't remember the last time i stepped foot inside church, and it's all voluntary. I'm choosing not to go, I'm choosing to do other things on sundays to keep my mind occupied. I miss everything and the way it used to be before I had to grow up and start taking responsibility. My parents were always there to say, let's go to church! or, my youth group duties dragged me out of bed each morning. It's quite funny how those obligations actually were shaping me and my character..but now that everything's not quite as black and white, the gray is all muddy and confusing. like this rant.

But at the end of my frustrating day and whirlwind of mind, i know it's God who loves me and who takes care of me. Not myself, not my friends, not my co-workers, not even my family. God gave me them to do so, but it's all Him. and after i write this sentence, i'm going to lie my little head on that pillow, and rest assured knowing that even if I have a hard time articulating my thoughts, Jesus knows my thoughts.

This new years was the first time I felt really lonely in a long time. I had gotten so used to being surrounded by a comfortable (and godly) group of people but this time wasn't so much. I felt so foreign spending it in such a way that I'd never before: at the bars with drinks in both hands, asian glow flushing my cheeks and chest, and a boozy slur that I'd become all too familiar with. It was my first new years eve that I didn't spend it in a church, holding a candle and reflecting and thanking and meditating about God and my relationship. I missed God yesterday. I missed my mom and dad. I missed my younger siblings. I missed my friends, and I missed church. I think this is one year that a lotttttttt a lot a lot a lot of my flaws are going to be shone in the light.

I had a dream last night that something like an apocalypse was happening that was forcing everyone to migrate..and my family was packing only the essentials hurrying to leave. and yet, all i was worried about were my clothes and pens. and then i woke up kind of panicking because i don't want some life-changing event to occur and instead of concerning over my soul, all i'm worrying about is earthly things. what if Jesus comes tomorrow, and i become like that rich man who didn't want to leave his money and house behind to follow Jesus? i wanna know that i'll be mature enough to leave all material things behind in order to pursue an everlasting and eternal life with God.